7 Day Challenge in a Nutshell: The Kleshas according to Coach Burow

Kleshas: Universal Obstacles, five in total

Again, Yoga International provided a lovely opportunity by offering Amy Pearce-Hayden's Self-Discovery Challenge.

Disclaimer: I do not profess to be an expert in these topics [i.e. Kleshas]. I am learning as I experience through this challenge.

Note: A multitude of tools can be used for mindfulness practice. A small journal, a voice recorder, a bracelet (as used in Ms. Pearce-Hayden's practice), tally marks on a calendar, etc. 

(01/01/2014)
Day 1: FEAR (Abhinivesha) Specifically 'fear of death'.
Whereas many of us do not walk around daily fearing or even considering our mortality, we often experience the 'fear of death' as it relates to the moment or current circumstance.  For example, as I listened to Day 1 and spent a few moments taking notes in my journal, I began reflecting on the fears I have had even within the last 24-hours.  Fear of failure, fear of inadequacy, fear of 'not being enough' or 'not being a good role model' creep into my consciousness more often than I'd like to admit. Fear of letting go, fear of releasing ideals or expectations, fear of change - these all come to mind when I consider what captures my attention and what distracts me from healthy living.  Some part of my subconscious hesitates and sometimes refuses to release what clearly is not benefiting my circumstances (or anyone else' for that matter). Why?

Pride? Probably. Fear? Certainly. (Pride, to me, can have undertones or be rooted in fear.)  Of what?  Without delving too deeply, I am able to pinpoint a few particulars. Fear of:

• being found out [leading to a litany of various sub-fears]; 
• not knowing enough; 
• reacting unprofessionally or unbecomingly; 
• emotionally speaking ill of someone or a situation;
• not giving the right advice;
• not being enough/doing enough [another litany of various sub-fears].

Today's meditation and mindfulness practice is to notice how and when worry or fear comes up (i.e. what is the trigger) and bringing an awareness to that trigger.


(01/02/2015)
Day 2: AVERSION (Dvesha) Specifically 'aversion to pain'.
Reflecting on the last 12-to-24 hours and considering what I knowingly avoid, I am sort of amazed at how much of my energy is used in efforts to push away, or resist, various tasks or thoughts.  When this challenge's facilitator, Amy, mentions her 'to-do' list and what remains on a the list even after prioritizing, my heart flip-flopped. Sounds a lot like me. I think about work projects, home improvement tasks, phone calls, bills I ought to pay before buying something fun or exciting. I also come face to face with my fear and avoidance of failing as a business owner and in being in a leadership position at my job (two separate companies/roles). I recently submitted an application for a leadership position and within a couple hours, I withdrew the application. At first, my rationale outwardly spoke to the qualities others have over me and that I 'really don't want that position.' In part, that is true. Deeper emotional fear and aversion to the pain of rejection, of acquiring the position and failing, or acquiring the position and realizing it would be a streeeeetch in personal and professional growth were big factors in my resistance to apply.  What do the avoidances mean? What does the resistance indicate? Without attempting to 'figure it out' (although sometimes not much analyzing is necessary), here are a few that pop into my mind:

• avoiding doing the dishes (!)
• resisting getting out of bed in the morning (!!)
• resisting a full 30-minute break at work (i.e. working through lunch break)
• avoiding answering the phone or returning a phone call
• avoiding listening to voicemail
• resistance to writing a blog post

Noticing resistance is the trigger today's practice calls for: Avoiding anything that causes pain, avoiding anything that creates discomfort.


(01/03/2015)
Day 3: ATTACHMENT (Raga) Specifically 'attachment to pleasure'.
Few words are needed to further explain this klesha. Expectation. WHEW. This one is a very prominent obstacle in my daily life. Of course, all of the kleshas have been relevant; however, this one seems to be a looming flashing neon sign staring me down! As Amy wrote, "The obstacle arises when we become attached to our idea of pleasure or to our expectations of the way in which happiness, joy, or pleasure will arrive."

Eeeyah. Okay. If I'm not careful, this list could go on for pages.  Luckily (for who?!) my laptop battery is nearly expired, so I need to write top of mind thoughts.  Expectations that trigger frustration daily:

• does anyone else see the mess in this house?
• didn't you feed the dogs?
• why do I need to be the one who always (always) cleans the ________ <insert word/area/room>
• how come they don't see it this way? (work)
• why don't you just know that? 
• how come we approach this topic/issue so differently?

Day 3 of our challenge asks us to see more closely how the desire for pleasure drives thoughts and actions.

(01/04/2015)

Day 4: FALSE IDENTITY (Asmita) Could be translated as 'ego'.

For various reasons, this 'obstacle' seems more prominent to me than the others today.  Check it out: Uphold or maintain . . . who [I] think I ought to be . . .painting the 'perfect' picture of self and who [I] think I ought to be thereby creating stress. Whoa. Uh, yeah. On the daily, 24/7/365.  I catch myself often (weekly, sometimes daily) wondering if anyone thinks I am a fraud, or if anyone is judging my larger-than-size-4-personal trainer/health coach body, or if someone will say something about my dogs running around the neighborhood again, or whether someone will comment on how little outside time our kiddos got today. Who am I trying to keep up with? Why am I so concerned what others think? Who do I need to measure up to? What am I trying to prove? In reviewing the list of potential self-criticisms facilitator Amy offered as trigger language to be mindful of, I can easily add a few of my own:

• I’ll never be able to do that
• I’m not capable 
• I could never 
• It’s too difficult for me
• I’m not worthy of that
• No one will like me if I 
• I don't have enough experience
• It wouldn't look right if I
• I should be
• I ought to

Day 4 of the challenge asks us to be aware of habitual thinking and self-judgment. (Note: I do believe self-reflection can help change or cultivate behaviors we truly want to modify and this practice can be purposeful and beneficial.) May we be mindful of our thoughts and choose to filter what is not beneficial to our well-being.

(01/05/2015)
Day 5: IGNORANCE (Avidya) Lacking true knowledge.
How absolutely fitting that today's klesha connects with day 5 of the 30 for 30 yoga challenge. Why? Our guide, Amy Pearce-Hayden, shares that 'avidya' or lacking true/full knowledge is the root of all suffering. Hmm.  Our Day 5 #30for30 #yogachallenge (also led by Amy Pearce-Hayden) was focused on the root chakra. Finally, my experience at the chiropractic office today attuned my focus from physical manifestations of dis-ease back to the root cause(s).  More about the translation of avidya and my ponderings:

• assumptions or projections based on partial information - um, yeah. I do this WAY too often for my liking. 
• "trappings of the mind"
• "nature of the mind" or "habits of the mind" 
• judgement of others, of circumstances, no matter how small or grand
• How do I know what is right? Based on circumstances, experiences, my truth. When that differs from someone else's, who is right? (I like to think ME! I'm right! *groan* Probably not always the case.)
• If I practice mindfulness as today's challenge encourages, will I accomplish any tasks I have on my 'to-do' list? Or will I be stuck in an all-day pattern of wrist tapping (i.e. mindful awareness practice) because I am perpetually judging people and circumstances. *double groan*

Hey . . . who says those tasks on my to-do list need to be accomplished? Whose truth am I following if I cross off the to-do list items and feel a sense of accomplishment whether at work or at home? I realize analyzing the judgement reaction is not the purpose of this practice...however, the 'nature of  my mind' seems to be to figure out, "Why? What for?", even in practicing mindfulness. Isn't the purpose to get better at something? What purpose does practicing mindfulness serve? 

Breathe, Nicole. I want to practice witnessing my reactions and actions.  That can be all.  

Although I am now writing my musings on a public blog.  Does that insinuate I am wanting someone to reply? To validate, confirm, contradict, or question? Or am I processing?  I can label it with whatever truth I choose. Someone else may decide their version is true.  Who is right?

(01/06/2015)
Day 6: Reflection and Commitment
Reflecting on the 5 Universal Obstacles I have learned about as 'kleshas' over the past 5 days, I am not surprised by any as obstacles to happiness - and health, for that matter.  The subject of happiness tends to elicit dichotomous thoughts and feelings within me that vacillate from the tendency to encourage and seek happiness to questioning whether we are meant to be happy or if we have a right to be happy.  Reviewing the kleshas and being as truthful with myself as I can, I am drawn to Asmita and Raga as the two that burden me most.  When I consider the other kleshas, it seems like those become more wearing on my mind and body the more I battle Asmita and Raga.

Further, even after examining my words and how thinking of each klesha resonates within me (all the while working on not expecting any particular klesha to be more important or powerful, and not judging how I feel or think about any of the obstacles), my mind and gut continue to be drawn toward expectation (Raga) as what dominates my being:

• What do I expect to gain from this exercise/practice?
• How do I expect so-and-so to react?
• What do I expect of myself as a person/sister/daughter/friend/coach/significant other/step-mom/dog owner?
• Who expects what of me at work?
• I expect myself to do well [at a task, as a communicator, in taking care of myself] (to feel the physical/emotional/mental pleasure associated with _________________

My expectations of myself, in large part, foster Asmita. When I don't perform or do XYZ, I guilty- emotionally, physically, psychologically, spiritually.  My expectations of others fosters Avidya. When someone doesn't behave as I expect he/she 'ought' to, I place judgment based on what I consider to be right and true...even if I am not behaving in the way I believe to be right and true, which compounds Asmita.  Abhinivesha rears when I have expectations that are not met or when I recall an unpleasant experience and want to avoid/resist (Dvesha) an unpleasant experience. 

Even as I write this daily post, I am in the presence of guilty feelings - I left work early today (01/06) because I felt physically ill.  Coworkers were called upon to help cover my scheduled services; management took responsibility to help reschedule appointments; my administrative tasks will remain unattended until I return; my dogs will not get their walks; my house will not be picked up.  I sit next to these guilty feelings and recognize the expectation triggering each and compounding my dis-ease (abhinivesha, dvesha). My rationale pipes in as if to say, 'Wouldn't you encourage others to go home and rest...to take care and heal?' Of course. Why do I feel guilt for doing the same? 

Oh, and my mind keeps thinking about the 30 for 30 yoga challenge that I committed to and did not complete yesterday. In the grand scheme of life, missing the day is probably inconsequential. In my mind, I expect myself to follow through with commitments and am dealing with self-judgment (Asmita) as a result.

Time to go back to bed and rest. My mind is tired. :)

(01/07/2015)
Day 7: Expanding Your Practice
Today the invitation stands to join the 30-day self-study on the klesha I resist most.  Although I think it will be difficult to focus on only one and at the same time difficult to remember to focus on one, I am still leaning toward Raga.  I am setting a reminder each week to reflect on how the klesha presented during the previous days.  I notice the tendency to set an expectation as to what I think the outcome will be and remind myself that sometimes expectation impedes the observation process.