I've been wanting to write all day but have tried to avoid the computer because I don't really know WHAT I want to write!
For starters, I took myself over to the Counseling and Wellness Center on campus because a) some friends have been there and recommend it, b) I already pay up the wazoo for services (student fees), and c) I'm having an increasingly hard time battling negative thoughts and social anxiety.
Let's get something straight right now - this is NOT a cry for help, friends! I am helping myself by seeking help! This is actually just a "permission slip" for myself - permission to be an emotional being that becomes overwhelmed with life! I am SO supportive of my friends and clients visiting with professional help; why do I think that I have to try to do everything on my own? Life is short and I want to experience JOY. So. I will!
I actually did not expect to see a therapist today - just needed to get myself physically TO the wellness center and fill out paperwork (a step toward healing!) While I was waiting for reception and whatnot, I picked up a pamphlet on Group Counseling and Life Skills Workshops. I am very interested in workshops; I am a BIT uncomfortable with the group counseling concept. (Remember - um - some social angst!) Anyway, I flipped through the brochure and read about the various on-campus meetings and was interested in one led a few days per week. When the receptionist asked if I wanted to be seen today, I said, "Why not? I'm here - if someone is available!" Lo and behold . . . it is the same man who would lead the ONLY group that I was at all interested in! Sweet! This has to be good!
I met for a triage appointment (where the patient/therapist is allotted 20 minutes to cover BASIC information) and noticed that I could keep eye contact when he was talking but when I had to tell stuff about me, I looked everywhere BUT at him. Strange - I was aware of this even while it was happening but still felt ashamed. Hm. Noted.
Kept talking, he had to ask questions and I answered as well as possible - the whole time with a cheerful attitude and smile (weird - aren't I seeking therapy for things that are bothering me? Why am I pretending everything is okay?). Suddenly, I was crying! WHOA! Where did that come from?! This isn't even a session! It's a consult! Oh well.
We talked about various things and it was nice to just be able to talk to someone who wasn't judging me or trying to make it better or even "worried" about me. I just needed to talk? Or something. Anyway, he hit some things on the head that I even STILL am having a hard time admitting - to MYSELF. Why won't I admit to myself what I am thinking or going through or experiencing, etc? Why do I deny that I am am emotional being with feelings and thoughts that don't always coincide with what I am trying to become?
Okay. So a lot happened in a little time. Then, I went and splurged on *gulp* KFC. Yes, I admit - I'd been craving FRIED chicken for 2 days. I succombed, I inhaled, I felt ILL. Ugh. No more of that. My body has been eating healthy foods and did NOT like the oil-vat meat. Woof. I felt like a huge grosso after cuz my belly HURT and I knew I had just ingested food that was not beneficial for my body. I laid down in bed to rest until a planned walk with TK and dog.
NO, Nicole! Get up and get to the grocery store and get yourself some delicious fresh fruits and veggies and the ingredients to make Ro Ro's Special Bars (including pumpkin seeds, dried fruit, dry milk powder, wheat germ, etc). DO IT! Did it. Then wanted to rest. NO. Get that dog on a leash and walk to campus to meet TK and walk. <You will feel better after> physically and psychologically. And did. 1 hour walk - nice.
Then to Ash Wednesday church. Part of the Message: Life is fragile. My daily devotion from this morning: "Rest in my radiant presence. The world around you seems to spin faster and faster, till everything is a blur. Yet there is a cushion of calm at the center of your life, where you live in union with Me. Return to this soothing Center as often as you can, for this is where you are energized: filled with My Love, Joy, and Peace." (There is more.)
Long post tonight. Mom will be concerned (don't worry, ma - I'm okay!) Basically need to say - even coaches have a hard time living life from time to time. Projects or people or possibilities or past become overwhelming. It is critical to remember that no one is perfect and emotions are REAL. Experience them.
*Side note. I'm cooking some crock-pot chili. I salivate every time I go over to stir. Take a look at this deliciousness: (21 beans mix, green-red-yellow peppers, onion, stewed tomatoes no salt, garlic, bean+lentil soup mix, grassfed organic beef w/ carribean jerk seasoning, 2 tbsp olive oil, 1ish cups water NOM-NOM-NOM)
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